Took a Walk and Met a Friend

Today, being Sunday, meant that my soon to be Ex partner would be around the house all day. This was the last place that I wanted to be. Despite still being ill I knew that she would not venture from the house. Hell, even when she's 100% fighting fit she doesn't want to venture far from the house, unless the weather is sunny and devoid of the merest hint of a breeze!

Therefore I took a look at my 'Where to Find'. The pamphlet obtained at all AA meeting which gives details of all the meetings in the local area throughout the week. I realized that there was one which started at 11am. However, after checking Google Maps I soon found that it was on the outskirts of my city. A quick look at the online bus timetable told me that I could easily get a bus there, and back, so I told my GF that I was off to a meeting and left. She wasn't all that pleased to know that I would be going out. Oh well, nevermind!

I walked to the bus stop, but it soon began to rain and turned rather cold. Therefore I returned home and grabbed my coat, and my laptop!! Yes, I had already decided not to go to the meeting, but to find a little peace by myself, and do some writing.

You may have noticed by now that I have become addicted to writing recently. I just cannot stop! However, I see this as a healthy and necessary outlet for my emotions at the moment. And although I am sure that no one will ever bother to read all this stuff that I am producing, it's proving to be very good for me. Therefore I'll carry on doing it.

Anyway, back to the tale!

I walked down to the sea front and stopped in a little outdoor cafe and had a cappuccino..... priced at £2.49! I wont be going there again unless I feel like splashing out. Actually, the view was worth the price and I did enjoy the space and wind in my face, coming off the sea. I even began to write a story on my laptop entitled 'Stuck in a Moment'! Basically, it's an autobiographical of a guy who is splitting up from his long term girlfriend. Mmmm I wonder where I got the inspiration for that from!

I drank my coffee and moved on, heading West, whilst still sticking close to the sea. I walked at a slow meditative pace which gave me time to run my life through my head once again! To be honest I can't wait until I don't have to do this anymore, and I can be free of the same old show, so to speak.

After a couple cups of coffee in a local cafe, and a little more writing, I walked to the port. Here large ships travel to the continent, and indeed one of them happened to be docking whilst I was there. I enquired about the sailing times and the price, and I think I will be going on one within the next couple of months. Just being there, in such a place, where people are waiting to travel abroad brought back lots of feelings for me. Memories of being at airports, or train and bus stations with my GF. It's hard and it's at times like this that I get the lump in my throat, and regret starts to creep in to my thoughts.

I can see that there is still a big part of me which is very raw and tender, although I somehow successfully manage to plaster over the uncomfortable truths, and carry on, as best I can. Nevertheless there's no getting away from it that what I am doing is not easy, and it's going to have ramifications for my GF. She's going to be very hurt, lost and upset. Or, at least, this is my belief. Sometimes I imagine her being secretly relieved when I tell her that it's all over. Of course, in a way, that would make things a little easier for me.

Anyway..... I carried on walking and ended up bumping in to a lovely man called Kelvin. I have known Kelvin for a number of years now and have always ended up talking about my relationship to him! Without fail! And this time, after a while, was not exception. He felt that what I was doing was going to be one of the very best things that I will ever do for myself, and that it will allow me to grow into a much more spiritual person. He told me that I should be very aware that I was going to feel a tremendous amount of guilt about this and I would have to deal with it maturely. 

Kelvin said that he felt that my emotional needs had changed, and that relationships are based almost entirely on emotional needs. I think he is right in believing this. I have changed, and I certainly no longer look at my GF in the same was as I used to. I have to say that I see her as a younger sister. It's felt that was for many years now.

Kelvin also said something quite interesting about living in the moment. He mentioned that for him the most important people in his life are those who are immediately around him. For example if he were sat on a bus, his fellow travelers would be those people. He said that should anything happen to him, and he needed immediate assistance, it would be those people who would step forward and provide it. They could well save his life. Not his family, his sponsor or his close friends. I found this concept intriguing and said to him that, in future, I would try to carry it with me throughout my days.

I talked Kelvin for well over an hour, and felt much better for doing so. He's a very good guy and I have a lot of time for him.

In the late afternoon I found myself craving alcohol quite intensely. I could not get the little voice out of my head which kept saying "Go and by half a bottle of Vodka". I could not abide this tension, and so told my GF that I was going to a meeting. Which I did. I walked there and back and enjoyed the space this afforded me.

That's another day finished, and survived. Thank God it's time for bed.