She's Feeling Unwell

Late last night my partner complained of feeling unwell. She said that her stomach felt poorly and that she was nauseous. not long after saying this she was sick, and though I could hear her in the bathroom, when she returned to the bedroom I pretended to be asleep. She returned to the bathroom a couple more times to be sick before I did actually fall asleep.

I think that that should tell me everything that I really need to know about the state of this relationship. And about the state of my morals at the moment. I mean, even 1 year ago I would have shown some concern for her, and asked if there was anything that I could do to relieve her suffering.

On the other hand, and I must be honest about this, if I were to part from her, I know very well that should I reread what I have just written (and no doubt I would), I would be overcome with a sense of loss. I would chastise myself for not showing more concern. I would wonder why, when I had the opportunity, I had not been more compassionate. I would mentally flagellate myself for wasting a relationship with a woman who only wanted to be treated with kindness and tenderness.

It is as though here is some sort of a disconnect within me.

On the one hand I do not possess the necessary emotional bonds with her, that are ordinarily present in a loving relationship. And, as a consequence, I do not have the desire to care deeply about her. And yet on the other hand I know that should the relationship end, I will hugely regret not having had those bonds, and feel remorseful that I had not been able to treat her with more love and compassion, and have a happy and successful relationship with her.

Does that Make sense?

Perhaps I am over analyzing everything the the extreme degree, and as such my mind is not allowing me to comprehend things correctly. But the statement above seems to be a paradox. If that's the correct word.

I am sure that the vast majority of people would never in a million years think any of this sort of stuff. And would, after a period of trying, just remove themselves from the relationship and get on with their lives! Why oh why do I have to spend all this time, and energy, attempting to understand what I am going through? Is it that I have a very deep fear of making a terrible mistake? Perhaps.

The Thinker by Rodin

However, I think that it is more than that. Everyone fears making mistakes, especially big ones. But this is just silly.

I think that this has an awful lot to do with being adopted.

* I have just been into the bedroom where my gf is laying. She is, as usual, in bed and watching a film on her laptop. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her. She said no. We hugged and she told me that she loved me. Terrible to say, but those words, coming from her, made me feel queasy.