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| The 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous This is the book from where the fellowship has obtained its name. |
I have just returned from a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The fellowship to which I have been a member for over 10 years and to whom I can say that I owe a huge debt. That's not to say that I have been in recovery for that length of time, with unbroken sobriety. I haven't. Of course it would be nice to say that I had, but that has not been my path. Indeed, after a binge, which lasted for just over a week, I had my first sober day on the 6th May 2011. That's 3 months ago. Of course it has to be said that I will never write about what I have said or heard at any AA meeting.
What is discussed in the rooms must always remain in the rooms.
What is discussed in the rooms must always remain in the rooms.
However, I am sure as this blog develops you will get to know far more about my personal journey upon the rocky road of recovery. If I wish to break my own anonymity and disclose my former addictions then so be it. However, I am going to have to be careful, and I must say that plan never to post images of myself, or of my loved ones. In addition there will necessarily have to be certain information that I will never share over the internet. I am sure you will understand this.
I intend to be honest and open, but not careless and stupid.
Suffice to say that 10 years ago I was an unemployable and hopeless wretch of a 'man', who was not able to go 2 days without a heavy drink, and indeed spent most days tanked up on cheap high alcohol content cider. 'Tramps champagne' it was called, by those who drank on the streets. My life, if it could be called a life, consisted of living in a caravan, on benefits, and alienated from all of those things which make life worthy and livable.
To cut a long and sorry (and often pathetic) story short I was able to secure a bed in a treatment center due to the generosity of my local health authority. All in all I stayed in treatment for seven and a half months. I left rehab in the spring of 2002, and within 5 days after starting my new and shiny sober life I was drunk all over again, and thrown out of the accommodation that I had only just moved in to. At that point of my life moving in to new housing was not a complicated or tiresome affair, for I only owned enough possessions to fit snugly into a couple of black bin bags. I used to tell myself that I was a rolling stone, I gathered no moss. I was a maverick, a poet and a melancholy misunderstood artisan, and I always travelled light!
Fortunately I was already attending AA, as it had been an insistence of the treatment center that I attended that the residents went to meetings. As a result I was taken in by a two kind and patient members of a local group that I had attended, and lived with them for over 6 months.
It would be a huge understatement to say that many things happened during the next few years, much of which will become clear upon this blog. However, all I can say that the moment is that I am now residing in a comfortable 2 bedroom flat which share with my girlfriend of 7 years. It has not been plain sailing and indeed storm clouds are gathering on the horizon as I type. However, the sobriety that I have attained, and the periods of not drinking, has enabled me to return to college and obtain a 1st class degree in Graphic Design, and to complete and pass a PGCE, which entitles me to teach post 16 year olds.
These 7 years however have been punctuated with all to often binges on alcohol, which have left me physical, mentally, morally and spiritually distraught. Without wishing to say too much I have begun to understand my inability to refrain from alcohol, and the triggers which have led me back to drinking.
Without this step I had had absolutely no chance. With it, recovery is possible. Why it should have taken so long for me to accept, at a fundamental level, that I was very sick is beyond me. All I can say is that alcohol is certainly very cunning, baffling and powerful. And that it had me fooled hook line and sinker for many a year! Basically step 1 means that as an alcoholic I am...
1) unable to resist drinking alcohol despite promising to resolutely never do so again.
And that
2) having commenced to drink I am utterly unable to stop, and my life proceeds to spiral out of control with breathtaking rapidity!
Basically if I drink I am in big trouble, and I will commence the abandonment of all that is healthy and sane. Within 24 hours of commencing I am unable to stand without support. By 72 hours I am virtually unable to get off the floor. By 1 week I am virtually comatose, and dangerously ill. The recovery period is an utter hell, and can last for up to a week before anything close to normality resumes.
The meeting tonight was a much needed one. I had actually been sat on the sofa this evening, before dashing out he door to the meeting, fantasizing about vodka! Thankfully, such euphoric recall has become a rarity today. However, this evening it made an appearance again, and I was planning the best way to obtain a drink without my partner becoming aware of it. Madness and insanity!
DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER
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| Cheap and nasty. But it always hit the spot. Cider that has never seen an apple in its life. |
Fortunately I was already attending AA, as it had been an insistence of the treatment center that I attended that the residents went to meetings. As a result I was taken in by a two kind and patient members of a local group that I had attended, and lived with them for over 6 months.
It would be a huge understatement to say that many things happened during the next few years, much of which will become clear upon this blog. However, all I can say that the moment is that I am now residing in a comfortable 2 bedroom flat which share with my girlfriend of 7 years. It has not been plain sailing and indeed storm clouds are gathering on the horizon as I type. However, the sobriety that I have attained, and the periods of not drinking, has enabled me to return to college and obtain a 1st class degree in Graphic Design, and to complete and pass a PGCE, which entitles me to teach post 16 year olds.
These 7 years however have been punctuated with all to often binges on alcohol, which have left me physical, mentally, morally and spiritually distraught. Without wishing to say too much I have begun to understand my inability to refrain from alcohol, and the triggers which have led me back to drinking.
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| The typical depiction of alcohol in advertising campaigns. Slick and classy. It's the gift that just keeps on giving! |
Nevertheless, as I lay here with my laptop on my lap, 2 months sober, I genuinely do feel that this time something has changed. Somehow it's different. In short this time I have got Step 1.
''We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable''.
Without this step I had had absolutely no chance. With it, recovery is possible. Why it should have taken so long for me to accept, at a fundamental level, that I was very sick is beyond me. All I can say is that alcohol is certainly very cunning, baffling and powerful. And that it had me fooled hook line and sinker for many a year! Basically step 1 means that as an alcoholic I am...
1) unable to resist drinking alcohol despite promising to resolutely never do so again.
And that
2) having commenced to drink I am utterly unable to stop, and my life proceeds to spiral out of control with breathtaking rapidity!
Basically if I drink I am in big trouble, and I will commence the abandonment of all that is healthy and sane. Within 24 hours of commencing I am unable to stand without support. By 72 hours I am virtually unable to get off the floor. By 1 week I am virtually comatose, and dangerously ill. The recovery period is an utter hell, and can last for up to a week before anything close to normality resumes.
The meeting tonight was a much needed one. I had actually been sat on the sofa this evening, before dashing out he door to the meeting, fantasizing about vodka! Thankfully, such euphoric recall has become a rarity today. However, this evening it made an appearance again, and I was planning the best way to obtain a drink without my partner becoming aware of it. Madness and insanity!
DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER
Thank God that I recognized just what was happening to me and acted decisively. There was a time, not too long ago it must be said, when I would have 'played' with this thought like a cat playing with a mouse. I'd have turned it over and over and over in my head, relishing the increased heart beat, the surges of adrenaline and that tingle of expectation within the stomach.
Yes, indeed. Something is different this time.
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