End of a Relationship

I find myself in a pretty awful situation. Actually, perhaps that should be rewritten as,

'I have found myself in a pretty awful situation for quite sometime'.

Hell, it's been about 4 years if I'm completely honest.

Essentially I have known for about 4 years that the relationship that I am in has no chance of long term survival. I have tried, though it must be said very halfheartedly, to rouse myself and make much more of an effort to attempt to spruce my relationship up, and turn back the clock to happier, closer days. I say halfheartedly because if I am completely honest my heart is really not in it. Surely that should speak volumes to me. If I genuinely had love in my heart for this woman I would want to try harder, and I would want to succeed. I would stop at nothing to win back the type of relationship that once existed between us.

The fundamental problem is that my partner would like a child, and I would not. She is 12 years younger than me and feels the need to experience motherhood.

I totally understand this urge that she has. She wishes to be a mother. Could there be anything more natural than that? Anything more normal for a young woman? I doubt it. Perhaps part of the problem here is that I already have a daughter, who is almost an adult, and to be honest at my stage in life I really do not want to be responsible for the looking after and upbringing of a baby. I really don't want to be a 54 year old father of a 10 year old child either, or a 60 year old man when he or she is leaving school. I'm really so very sorry, but I just do not want that one little bit.

However, it must be said that she is not 100% certain herself.

She does have some doubts, principally because she likes her free time and spends the vast majority of it on her own, in the bedroom, watching films and the TV on her laptop. Indeed, it's quite shocking but other than eating together, at or around 5-6pm, we really have very little to do with each other. She goes her way (the bedroom) and I stay in the living room, with my laptop. I have thought for quite some time that our situation is more like that of individuals sharing a house, or even a brother and sister arrangement, as opposed to a couple having a close and loving relationship. She appears to have no desire to spend any more time with me than what she already does, and has admitted, on many occasions, that she prefers to be on her own in the evenings. Recently, and with an edge of guilt to her voice, she has almost apologised when announcing that she is going to the bedroom to be alone.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time blaming myself for this breakdown in our relationship. The mental torture, and I do not use that word lightly, has been quite horrendous. Again, I have to be honest, but I have not been the most loving of partners for quite a few years. I ask myself often, has my lack of attention caused her to escape to solitude. Or is she the type of individual who is naturally drawn to solitude, and would wish to be alone regardless of how I act. I have to say that I think it is mainly the latter option of the two possibilities. However, I've certainly not done much to deter her habits and she has carried on as normal, seeking her own company each and every evening. I think the fact that this happens every evening is quite telling to be honest.

It would also be fitting to mention that we have been together for 7 years, and in all that time I have not known here make one friend. It must also be mentioned that she is not English. However, her mastery of the English language is much better than most native speakers. I would ask her advise about grammar! She just appears not to be able to form relationships with people on any real level. Indeed, if I had £1 for every time she returned from her work full of woe and resentment, because one of her co-workers has upset her, I would probably be lying in a hammock, on a beach, somewhere very hot!

Recently she appears to be a little less agitated in work. She seems to have finally realized that she is totally powerless, where other people are concerned, and that she will never be able to alter their behavior. There were many months however, not that long ago, when every day I would have to listen to a barrage of unending issues and problems with the the people with whom she shares an office. I would be left quite punch drunk by this repeated experience, and utterly miserable and angry myself. Angry, resentful and annoyed are not the best states of mind for  a recovering alcoholic who has found it hard to remain sober for any decent length of time. resentment is a killer for alcoholics.

At the end of the day I really have to protect myself. 'Look after number one' my father always says to me when we say goodbye, either on the telephone or face to face. Look after number one. Indeed dad, that is what I must now do. I cannot allow another persons highly negative emotional states to make me depressed and resentful. And I am afraid to say, she does. And she has, for years and years. In fact I don't think that anyone would want to constantly listen to a person who is a victim, and who appears to be totally unable to get on with others. It was the same in her last job. Different names and different problems, but essentially the same story. 

Anyway, to cut this long story short the time has now arrived when I must face reality, and accept that this has been a long time coming. The end must come, and it must come soon. I must steel myself and carry out what has to happen. I must put this relationship out of its misery. Nevertheless, every couple of minutes I seem to think of a pleasent moment from the past. Perhaps when we visited somewhere nice, when we went on holiday or saw a good film etc.

This hurts.

This makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I start to think that perhaps I am making a terrible mistake, and all that is needed is for me to try harder. To give it another few months. To try this, to try that. To want it more. I spend a lot of time considering that I must be mad to reject someone who loves me. Love is such a rare commodity, and here I am pushing it away. Unfortunately I am not in love with her.

Oh the madness, and the misery!


If it was meant to be I would be fighting tooth and claw wouldn't I? But I am not. In fact I am quietly wanting it to be all over. Done and dusted. I want to be settled in a small flat and taking stock of all that has happened to me, and to us. I want to be looking forward to having a relationship with myself, and getting to know me a little better. Yes, It all sounds so airy fairy doesn't it. However, it's what I need right now.

I do need a relationship. But that relationship has to be with me.