All Change

Well, what can I say. I have only gone and done it again. I have retracted all of the promises that I had made to myself, regarding leaving my relationship, and moving on, and now my current feelings regarding the situation is to give it a little more time.

However, there is a legitimate reason for this 180 degree about face, and here it is.

If you have been following my blog you would have learnt by now that I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and have been for some considerable time. About 10 years to be exact. However, my sobriety date is not the 12th August 2001, but the 6th May 2011. Yes, a little over 3 months ago. That was the end of a rather nasty binge.

It is considerable fortunate that during the last 3 weeks I have developed a very strong understanding of the 1st step of AA. Literally, for the first time in those 10 years, I have comprehended and felt its implications at a very fundamental level. I have also felt a very definite change in my entire attitude to alcohol, and the use of alcohol as a painkiller/sedative. 20 plus years of self medicating with alcohol is not going to leave me overnight, but I can recognize that that is exactly what I have traditionally done.

That's not to say that I haven't thought of alcohol during the last 3 months, and especially during the last couple of weeks. I have. Indeed, only last night I have a very intense drinking dream which placed me as a teacher, who was drunk, and my students were running amok. I have also occasionally though of drinking to escape my current situation a number of times. However, despite these 'knee jerk' reactions to relinquish all my responsibility and numb the pain I have seen those thoughts for what they are. Essentially they are my illness and addiction trying to fool me into taking that first deadly drink.

The program of AA is a program of action.

One does not remain sober by osmosis. Work is needed and part of that work is a daily stock-take of my attitudes, feelings and emotions. This is known as taking my Step 10, usually at the end of the day.

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

I have not been doing this step.... at all.

It is one of the fundamental and most important actions that any recovering alcoholic can do and plays a huge part in remaining sober. There could be any number of reasons why I have not been doing a step 10, but personally I believe that in my case it is pure laziness. Simple as that.

When I get too the end of the day and I should start to take stock, I am plain old lazy. I would rather look at the internet, or do something else.

The purpose of step 10 is for the recovering alcoholic to see what part they have played in the things that have angered, irritated or frustrated them during the day. It is about taking personal responsibility for ones reactions and outlooks to life. The book Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the title of the book from which AA gets its name, states something very clearly. It says..

Resentment is the number one offender.

This essentially means that resentment is like a cancer to alcoholics, and is the most common cause for their returning to alcohol. I cannot afford to become resentful for too long, and one of the most effective ways of dealing with any resentment is to step 10 the incident that has caused me to feel out of sorts.

And, like I have already said, I have not been doing my step 10.

The result of this dangerous oversight is that I keep hold of many resentments within my relationship with my girlfriend, and they have been eating away at me for a long long time. Resentments, when held on too for years, have the power to sour ones mind. Indeed, they have essentially poisoned my relationship, to the extent that I have been wanting to leave for some time. I have now realized, perhaps just in time, that....

I Cannot End This Relationship Without Attempting To Step 10 My Daily Life.

Essentially I would be discarding a relationship that has the possibility and the potential to be fulfilling and nurturing... IF I step 10 my days. I really don't want to be sitting on my own in a drab and cold looking flat wondering what may have been if I had worked the AA programe properly to the very best of my ability. I owe it to myself, to her and to the relationship to at least try.

If, after doing step 10 for a couple of months, I am still certain that I do not feel right and I am not in love with her then I will end it immediately, and with a totally clear conscience. I can't say fairer than that.

There is another part of the program that I have not been doing.

My gratitude list. 

It is highly recommended by all sponsors within the fellowship that their sponsee's compile what is known as a gratitude list. There's nothing difficult or complicated about such a list. It is simply a list of things that the recovering alcoholic is grateful for. Often the list is added to at the end of each day. Initially the items on the list may include the more basic, fundamental things such as food, shelter or a shower etc. As time progresses the list may start to include other things such as a job, a car or a promotion. Anything and everything can go on the list, and its purpose is to remind the sposeee that they possess many things in their life which are positive and which should be considered as blessings.

I can only really speak for myself, and not for other alcoholics, but I am by nature a very self centered person who suffers from a lot of self pity. I can also fall easily and quickly in to melancholy ways and the gratitude list can snap me out of such dark moods and despondent thoughts quite quickly. However, once again....

I have not been compiling one!

So all in all I have not really been 'on the program' at all. Sure, I always do my suggested readings in the morning (or nearly always), I ask my higher power for a sober day and I try to ring a couple of people from the fellowship every day. But I am not doing the complete package so to speak. Once again I don't feel that I should end this relationship until I have attempted everything and then, and only then, if I still find the relationship lacking any real possibility of longevity, I will part ways with my girlfriend, and not look back.

I did get as far as viewing a property. Here are the images I took of it. As you can see it's hardly Buckingham Palace!

The main bedroom

Front Room

Kitchen

Kitchen2

Main Bedroom

Front Room