She Knows, You Know

Well the truth is out. Finally she knows what I feel, what I want and what I have been doing this last 10 days or so.

After coming home from work, she launched, yet again, into one of her famous rants about fellow workers. Of how they're so nasty to her and make her life a misery! Also, I was regaled with the age old story of how she is worried that she will be blamed for a problem at work. How her boss will turn on her and her life will become a misery..... again!

Shit!

If there's one thing I most certainly wont miss,

it's that self piteous victimhood. 

Yuck. There can be no doubt that I have consistently found this part of her personality the hardest to bear. And to be honest, of all the things I found disagreeable in the relationship, it was that which caused the initial tare, and it was that which kept on pulling until the our union was ripped in two. She doesn't know this, of course. I did try to tell her, many many times that I didn't like the constant negativity and resentment that she brought home literally hundreds of times. Yes

Hundreds!

Well, at about 6pm she had said that, so miserable was her working life here in the UK that she often wondered if she should just pack her bags and go back to her country. Somehow I saw this as a opportunity to tell her about my true feelings regarding the relationship. In retrospect I fell that it wasn't the best of times but lets face it, there was no good one. I told her that I had found a small flat and would be moving out. Quite naturally she called me a fucking bastard, grabbed the phone and went out, slamming the door behind her. I went out to a local cafe and spoke to a member of AA for an hour before tonight's meeting.

Relieved but terrible.

Stomach Churning Fear

I've been having severe stomach churning most of the day. Oh God this is such a horrible feeling. Constant doubts if I am doing the right thing. Constantly wondering if I am going to seriously regret this decision. Memory after memory of good times, usually on holiday. Thoughts of my GF and I happy and relaxed with each other.

Such a strong desire to smoke. Such a strong desire to drink.

Repeated thoughts of escaping into the bottle with a half ounce of tobacco. PLEASE GOD, take the cravings away from me. Please just remove them from me.

I feel as though things are drawing to a head now. Only a matter of 72 hours, or thereabouts, until the truth has to be told and there is no going back. You see, even at this stage of the game no damage has been done. I could still forget all about this and let it fade in to the ether. Say and think no more about it, and carry on kicking the can down the street..... possibly forever.

My Treasure

My GF has just left the flat for work. She thanked me for taking care of her during her recent illness, and then said....

"You are my treasure".

I cried a little.

Took a Walk and Met a Friend

Today, being Sunday, meant that my soon to be Ex partner would be around the house all day. This was the last place that I wanted to be. Despite still being ill I knew that she would not venture from the house. Hell, even when she's 100% fighting fit she doesn't want to venture far from the house, unless the weather is sunny and devoid of the merest hint of a breeze!

Therefore I took a look at my 'Where to Find'. The pamphlet obtained at all AA meeting which gives details of all the meetings in the local area throughout the week. I realized that there was one which started at 11am. However, after checking Google Maps I soon found that it was on the outskirts of my city. A quick look at the online bus timetable told me that I could easily get a bus there, and back, so I told my GF that I was off to a meeting and left. She wasn't all that pleased to know that I would be going out. Oh well, nevermind!

I walked to the bus stop, but it soon began to rain and turned rather cold. Therefore I returned home and grabbed my coat, and my laptop!! Yes, I had already decided not to go to the meeting, but to find a little peace by myself, and do some writing.

You may have noticed by now that I have become addicted to writing recently. I just cannot stop! However, I see this as a healthy and necessary outlet for my emotions at the moment. And although I am sure that no one will ever bother to read all this stuff that I am producing, it's proving to be very good for me. Therefore I'll carry on doing it.

Anyway, back to the tale!

I walked down to the sea front and stopped in a little outdoor cafe and had a cappuccino..... priced at £2.49! I wont be going there again unless I feel like splashing out. Actually, the view was worth the price and I did enjoy the space and wind in my face, coming off the sea. I even began to write a story on my laptop entitled 'Stuck in a Moment'! Basically, it's an autobiographical of a guy who is splitting up from his long term girlfriend. Mmmm I wonder where I got the inspiration for that from!

I drank my coffee and moved on, heading West, whilst still sticking close to the sea. I walked at a slow meditative pace which gave me time to run my life through my head once again! To be honest I can't wait until I don't have to do this anymore, and I can be free of the same old show, so to speak.

After a couple cups of coffee in a local cafe, and a little more writing, I walked to the port. Here large ships travel to the continent, and indeed one of them happened to be docking whilst I was there. I enquired about the sailing times and the price, and I think I will be going on one within the next couple of months. Just being there, in such a place, where people are waiting to travel abroad brought back lots of feelings for me. Memories of being at airports, or train and bus stations with my GF. It's hard and it's at times like this that I get the lump in my throat, and regret starts to creep in to my thoughts.

I can see that there is still a big part of me which is very raw and tender, although I somehow successfully manage to plaster over the uncomfortable truths, and carry on, as best I can. Nevertheless there's no getting away from it that what I am doing is not easy, and it's going to have ramifications for my GF. She's going to be very hurt, lost and upset. Or, at least, this is my belief. Sometimes I imagine her being secretly relieved when I tell her that it's all over. Of course, in a way, that would make things a little easier for me.

Anyway..... I carried on walking and ended up bumping in to a lovely man called Kelvin. I have known Kelvin for a number of years now and have always ended up talking about my relationship to him! Without fail! And this time, after a while, was not exception. He felt that what I was doing was going to be one of the very best things that I will ever do for myself, and that it will allow me to grow into a much more spiritual person. He told me that I should be very aware that I was going to feel a tremendous amount of guilt about this and I would have to deal with it maturely. 

Kelvin said that he felt that my emotional needs had changed, and that relationships are based almost entirely on emotional needs. I think he is right in believing this. I have changed, and I certainly no longer look at my GF in the same was as I used to. I have to say that I see her as a younger sister. It's felt that was for many years now.

Kelvin also said something quite interesting about living in the moment. He mentioned that for him the most important people in his life are those who are immediately around him. For example if he were sat on a bus, his fellow travelers would be those people. He said that should anything happen to him, and he needed immediate assistance, it would be those people who would step forward and provide it. They could well save his life. Not his family, his sponsor or his close friends. I found this concept intriguing and said to him that, in future, I would try to carry it with me throughout my days.

I talked Kelvin for well over an hour, and felt much better for doing so. He's a very good guy and I have a lot of time for him.

In the late afternoon I found myself craving alcohol quite intensely. I could not get the little voice out of my head which kept saying "Go and by half a bottle of Vodka". I could not abide this tension, and so told my GF that I was going to a meeting. Which I did. I walked there and back and enjoyed the space this afforded me.

That's another day finished, and survived. Thank God it's time for bed.

Morning Doubts

Every morning, without fail, I awake to the same 1st thought.....

"Oh my God! What the hell do you think you are doing!"

To try to alleviate this pain I get out of bed within a couple of minutes of opening my eyes. I know that by laying there I will essentially be inviting those thoughts, with a greater rapidity and intensity, into my mind. I will wallow in a soup of emotion, and wade through the swamp and marsh of self doubt!

There was a time when I would have just laid there and rather enjoyed sensation of feeling sorry for myself. Mind you, that was when I had a strong 'addiction' to Self Pity, one of the 14 main character defects that I have been made aware of in AA. I say addiction because looking back it certainly seems as though I desperately hung on to that destructive emotion, as though it were a life preserver! 

Other defects would rear their ugly heads as well, namely...

Pride - Of myself regarding hurt pride. Another relationship over. I'm useless etc

Intolerance - of myself for soon to be hurting my GF, and of the situation I am in.

Impatience - of myself for not having made this change sooner. And for not being able to get 'the talk' over and done with and get out of the relationship today.

Selfishness - of myself for splitting this relationship up and radically altering my GF's life.
Envy - Of others who are not in this situation, and who have fulfilling relationships.
Dishonesty - of myself for arranging the move behind my GF's back. And for not telling her that the relationship was over long ago, despite knowing that I didn't love her.
Guilt - Obvious really!

All that, and more, would stew as I lay there. It would go around and around and around in my head ad infinitum! However, it does not have to be that way. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous.....


Misery is Optional.


And of course, they are right. It certainly is. It's funny when I look back on my life as a drinker and user of mood and mind altering substances. And also as a member of AA, who spent almost 10 years bouncing in and out of the meetings. I continually allowed myself to feel sad and hard done by, as though on purpose. Was it so I had some sort of flimsy excuse to take that first drink? Did it give me just enough justification to fall head fist into the mire of chemical numbness? I think it did. I always had the classic...

You'd drink like I do

if you had to deal with some of the crap that I have in my life

and in my past!

Yes, it sure was a convenient excuse for me. And it never failed to allow me to get my hands on that drink or on that drug. But it doesn't have to be that way today. Today, and just for today, at least I can try as best as I can to rely upon the Higher Power that I have in my life. What the heck my HP actually is I really do not know. At times it's a God, on others it's the fellowship of AA and its members. Perhaps at the moment it doesn't matter what it Is. But rather, what it is Doing for me and my life.

What this day will bring I am not sure. Low spots and difficulties? Oh yes, most probably. High points and achievements? Well, I certainly hope so.

However, one things is certain. If I stick close to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the program of recovery I will not need to take a drink whether to cope, or to celebrate.

And for that I will be most grateful.

Buffalo Springfield

Just to end this amazing day of finally arriving at a decision to leave my partner of 7 years, and finding accommodation.

Here's a classic tune from the 1960's

Buffalo Springfield - For What it's Worth.

Enjoy.

There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware
I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

There's battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind
I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down 

I've Only Gone and Bloody Done It!

If you were to ask me what has changed in the last 2 hours since I wrote on this blog then I would have to utter the well known cliché.

"Everything, and nothing"

I knew, whist I was blogging this morning that I had previously arranged to go and view a couple of properties this afternoon at 3.30pm. However, I had half convinced myself that I should ring up the letting agent, and cancel the viewings, primarily because I had decided to give it one last shot with my girlfriend. I have recently blogged about deciding to undertake the AA program of recovery to the very best of my ability before arriving at a final decision.

Well that's all by the by now as I have just put down a £90 deposit on a property!

The property in question is neither of the ones that I had arranged to view today. Indeed after speaking to the lady in the office she told me that one would have been at least a 40 minute walk away from my place of work. The other was unable to be viewed because the current tenants were busy moving furniture to the flat above. She mentioned however that a nearby property had just come on the market and it seemed to suit my needs.

I went to look at it, and it most certainly does! I only wish I had taken some internal images!

I put these images on here because I feel that the likelihood of anyone recognizing it will be quite slim. Knowing my luck however the people who will be living in the flats above me will probably read this blog some day! In fact this image only shows the property and not my flat, as my flat is a basement flat and cannot be seen or accessed from the main road.

The flat is perfect!!

I really can't believe that I have found something that seems to tick every box. Of course it's not huge, but then again what can one expect for £411 per month. Yes that's right £411, what an odd number. In fact almost everything about this flat has a quirky feel to it! So many little nooks and crannies, storage space galore, odd angular windows and low ceilings. The place has such character, and despite being a basement flat it has a light and airy feel to it. Today has been quite drab and grey, and yet I could have easily read a newspaper in there without the need for a light.

There is a separate bathroom and toilet. In fact the are at opposite ends of the flat! I love the idea that they're separated like that! I mean.. Why! The bedroom is large and tastefully decorated, with a cottage like feel. Pastel colours are the order of the day. All the walls are white and door surrounds glossed. However, I did note that they could do with a re glossing, as they have lost their shine and brightness. This is something that I would gladly do. The lounge is very small. In fact this flat has perhaps the smallest lounge space that I have ever had. But that's great. It will be warm and cosy this winter. Again there are plenty of places for nick knacks. Lost of built in shelving.

All I have to do is to arrange for someone like 'Virgin Media' to come and install cable so I can get the internet and telephone. I am not to worried about TV as I really don't watch enough of it to justify the cost. I make do with the iPlayer and other such sites.

 'Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved.

Actually, it's about 30-70'.

Niles Crane - Frasier

I wish I could go back there now and walk around it. I really did get a good feeling as soon as I walked in. It feels secure, and tucked out of the way so to speak. I like that. Security is very important in a place, and I feel I will be able to sleep at night knowing that the flat is essentially unseen. Indeed as I mentioned above access cannot be gained from the traditional front door off the high street. One has to go around the back, up a small lane and through a high wooden solid gate. 

Oh did I mention that when in the flat I will have my OWN patio! I say patio, it's more like a small space of concrete! But it's private, clean and it'll be my own private and clean bit of concrete! I can even dry my washing outdoors! What a luxury. You know, in a way I am a little sad in that my GF always wanted a small little area such as that. Somewhere to sit in the summer, or have a bar-b-cue. Oh well. Now is not the time for maudlin feelings, nor wallowing in emotionalism. I don't want to be brought down by anything right now.

I keep getting butterflies, and memories flood back in to my mind, as though in uncontrollable spurts. Memories of good days, and laughter. Of holidays, and kisses that meant something. Moments when all in the world felt right, as though the search was over. Memories of holding hands in the rain and of walking in sunshine, and feeling the warmth of her skin against my own.

I imagine that this is natural, and I will continue to feel this way for a while. Until the emotions subside a little. I must not forget that the beginnings of any relationship is filled with lovely moments and emotions. But also that only a very small percentage of relationships actually last any decent length of time. It's been 7 years for us, and to be fair that's not a bad innings. Those who last 20 or more years are either very lucky, and have had a good foundation upon which to build or fall back upon. Or they're just living in misery, and are to scared/lazy to part.

What I need now is strength....

Well, there is no going back now. I have made the decision and parted with money. I have shaken hands with the agent. It really is now or never.

It must be said that there is a chance that I will bump into my soon to be Ex GF in the local area, as the flat is quite close to where we currently are. If I do, then I will cope with it in a mature and respectful way.

What other way is there?

None.

I can hear gulls in he distance, and I am reminded of my childhood in Cornwall.

I will be single and living on my own within a week.