Morning Doubts

Every morning, without fail, I awake to the same 1st thought.....

"Oh my God! What the hell do you think you are doing!"

To try to alleviate this pain I get out of bed within a couple of minutes of opening my eyes. I know that by laying there I will essentially be inviting those thoughts, with a greater rapidity and intensity, into my mind. I will wallow in a soup of emotion, and wade through the swamp and marsh of self doubt!

There was a time when I would have just laid there and rather enjoyed sensation of feeling sorry for myself. Mind you, that was when I had a strong 'addiction' to Self Pity, one of the 14 main character defects that I have been made aware of in AA. I say addiction because looking back it certainly seems as though I desperately hung on to that destructive emotion, as though it were a life preserver! 

Other defects would rear their ugly heads as well, namely...

Pride - Of myself regarding hurt pride. Another relationship over. I'm useless etc

Intolerance - of myself for soon to be hurting my GF, and of the situation I am in.

Impatience - of myself for not having made this change sooner. And for not being able to get 'the talk' over and done with and get out of the relationship today.

Selfishness - of myself for splitting this relationship up and radically altering my GF's life.
Envy - Of others who are not in this situation, and who have fulfilling relationships.
Dishonesty - of myself for arranging the move behind my GF's back. And for not telling her that the relationship was over long ago, despite knowing that I didn't love her.
Guilt - Obvious really!

All that, and more, would stew as I lay there. It would go around and around and around in my head ad infinitum! However, it does not have to be that way. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous.....


Misery is Optional.


And of course, they are right. It certainly is. It's funny when I look back on my life as a drinker and user of mood and mind altering substances. And also as a member of AA, who spent almost 10 years bouncing in and out of the meetings. I continually allowed myself to feel sad and hard done by, as though on purpose. Was it so I had some sort of flimsy excuse to take that first drink? Did it give me just enough justification to fall head fist into the mire of chemical numbness? I think it did. I always had the classic...

You'd drink like I do

if you had to deal with some of the crap that I have in my life

and in my past!

Yes, it sure was a convenient excuse for me. And it never failed to allow me to get my hands on that drink or on that drug. But it doesn't have to be that way today. Today, and just for today, at least I can try as best as I can to rely upon the Higher Power that I have in my life. What the heck my HP actually is I really do not know. At times it's a God, on others it's the fellowship of AA and its members. Perhaps at the moment it doesn't matter what it Is. But rather, what it is Doing for me and my life.

What this day will bring I am not sure. Low spots and difficulties? Oh yes, most probably. High points and achievements? Well, I certainly hope so.

However, one things is certain. If I stick close to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the program of recovery I will not need to take a drink whether to cope, or to celebrate.

And for that I will be most grateful.